Self-esteem

I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God--this is your spiritual act of worship.  Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is--his good, pleasing and perfect will. For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the measure of faith God has given you (Romans 12:1-3).

There’s a difference between acting stupid and being naïve.  If you know that thieves have been stealing from homes in your neighborhood, it is stupid to leave your doors unlocked at night or while you’re away at work.  If a politician is caught taking bribes, it is foolish to reelect him for another term in office.

But naïveté is different.  Being naïve just means that you haven’t experienced the worst this world has to offer.  Children trust everyone to speak the truth—until someone lies to them.  A girl believes that love will last forever—until the first time she is dumped.  A young man thinks his father is perfect—until he sees Dad make a serious error in judgment.  Each time we are hurt or let down, we lose some of our innocence—our naïveté.

Usually, calling someone naïve is an insult—it’s like saying, “you should have known better.”  As we experience life, it is assumed that we will develop personal defenses.  We will get better at spotting suspicious behavior.  We will improve our ability to detect half-truths and lies.  We will develop tough skins that can shrug off hurtful words.  If we don’t build up our defenses, some will pity us while others will look for ways to take advantage.

But a certain amount of naïveté can be a good thing.  Do you want to grow so suspicious of others that you automatically assume the worst about their motives?  I don’t want to live like that.  I don’t want to expect evil from others; I want to find and encourage the good things they can do.  That requires some amount of naïveté. 

Paul wrote, In regard to evil, be infants.  It’s good to be naïve when it comes to evil things.  Wouldn’t it be great if no one had any interest in pornography?  Imagine a world where no one got curious about illegal drugs.  Think how nice it would be if no one ever heard an ethnic joke.  Sometimes we’re better off being ignorant of hurtful things.

Sadly, everyone in the world is tainted by evil.  We do need to be on our guard, especially if we have children to protect.  But don’t overreact to evil; don’t let all of your naïveté be stripped away and replaced with paranoia. God created us to enjoy life, not to be afraid of it.

Naturally, letting our guard down can invite trouble.  There are all sorts of con artists out there, trying to make a buck off of someone’s gullibility.  Emails from overseas supposedly come from widows, lawyers, or bank managers; they claim to have money waiting for us, if we will just help finance the transaction.  There are people who have pretended to be sick and received thousands of dollars raised by community fund-raisers on their behalf.  In fact, if we are always kind, trusting, and giving, even those closest to us can start to abuse our generous nature and take us for granted.

No one likes to feel like a doormat.  No one wants to be used by others.  When people take advantage of us, it results in feels of resentment and shame—resentment at being treated so badly, shame at letting it happen to me.  It would be easy to throw up barriers that say “keep away!  Don’t bother me with your problems.”  The thing is, human beings need each other.  We need each other for help in solving problems.  We need each other for mutual protection.  We need each other for companionship and love.  We cannot thrive if we push other people away; relationships can only grow if we are willing to reach out and support each other in times of need.

God commands us to care for each other; Jesus said, love your neighbor as yourself (Matthew 19:19).  If someone needs help, we are expected to give it.  We have ears that can hear words of pain, frustration, and fear.  We have mouths that can offer solace and encouragement.  We have hands and feet and money that can be used to aid those who are in need. 

Of course, there are some who would take advantage of Christian generosity.  They constantly beg for help but don’t try to stand on their own.  They take what we offer and waste it on frivolous things.  There are even some who just pretend to be in need because they think that Christians are easily fooled.  Jesus told His followers, be as shrewd as snakes and as innocent as doves (Matthew 10:16).  We need to watch out for scam artists who pretend to be something that they’re not.  At the same time, however, we cannot let evil squash our desire to do good. 

It is tempting to help others on a quid pro quo basis—“you scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”  But that’s not the way Jesus thinks—He died to forgive us, never expecting that we could pay Him back for what He suffered.  We are to show love the same way.  Families exchange gifts at Christmas, but no parent expects a child to spend like an adult can.  We are all different; we cannot expect that those who are in need will be able to repay us for our generosity, nor can we assume that everyone will use what we give them in a responsible way or show us proper gratitude.  The truth is, none of us treat God’s gifts like we should, or show proper gratitude towards the Lord; yet that does not stop Him from seeing to our needs each and every day.

It all comes down to self-esteem—how much or how little we think of ourselves.  Self-esteem gives us the confidence to deal with others as equals, instead of always feeling like a victim.  Guidance counselors evaluate high school kids, looking for healthy self-esteem.  Confidence is needed to set goals and achieve them.  People with poor self-esteem rarely achieve their full potential.

But healthy self-esteem is a hard thing to achieve.  Some people think so highly of themselves that they become proud, while others think so little of themselves that they become depressed. 

Too much self-esteem is dangerous.  When confidence becomes arrogance, you stop listening to advice; after all, you know all the answers.  Proud folks can be insufferable big mouths or tiresome know-it-alls; they can also be dangerous risk takers who won’t accept help no matter how badly it is needed.

Too little self-esteem can also be dangerous.  When confidence hits rock bottom, you stop trying to make friends; after all, why would anyone want to spend time with a loser like you?  You are likely to settle for dead-end jobs and dead-end relationships, because you don’t believe that you’re capable of anything better.  You might even think about suicide.

Healthy self-esteem starts with the Lord.  You know that you’re valuable because God made you personally—a unique and special person unlike anyone else anywhere in the world.  You also know that you are deeply flawed because of sin; you don’t love God or your fellow human beings the way that you should.  You are wasteful with time and money; you break promises and say hurtful things.  But you also know this: God loves you so much that He sent His Son to die for you, so that you could be forgiven and restored to God’s family.  And you know that with the help of the Holy Spirit, you can do things in life that honor God and show love for the people around you.

That’s healthy self-esteem—it is held in tension between your personal shortcomings and God’s amazing love for you.  Although you fail God and your loved ones every day, you don’t give in to despair; Jesus loves you and He forgives you.  Being weak is no disgrace; Paul wrote I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.  That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong (2 Corinthians 12:9-10).  When you think that you are strong, it’s easy to ignore God’s help as unnecessary.  But when you realize how weak you are, you also recognize the need for God’s power in your life.  When you are weak you start depending on God’s strength, not your own.  It is only when God works within you that you can be truly strong.

When you have healthy self-esteem, you don’t brag about your achievements.  You know that whatever successes you have were only possible because God gave you the skills and the help to succeed.  Paul writes, we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do (Ephesians 2:10).  When things turn out well, it’s only because God designed you to be successful at that task.  You are like a work glove worn on God’s mighty hand; can the glove brag about the work it has done?

Healthy self-esteem is a tricky balancing act between thinking too little of yourself and being over-confident.  Paul advises, do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the measure of faith God has given you.  There is the key—healthy self-esteem grows from a relationship with Christ.  You don’t find worth looking within yourself; worth comes from God’s love for you.  That’s the source of our confidence; as Jeremiah said, Blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD, whose confidence is in him (17:7).