Divorce

Some Pharisees came and tested him by asking, "Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife?"

"What did Moses command you?" he replied.

They said, "Moses permitted a man to write a certificate of divorce and send her away."

"It was because your hearts were hard that Moses wrote you this law," Jesus replied. "But at the beginning of creation God `made them male and female.' `For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.' So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate."

When they were in the house again, the disciples asked Jesus about this. He answered, "Anyone who divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery against her. And if she divorces her husband and marries another man, she commits adultery" (Mark 10:2-12).

Over half of all marriages end in divorce. When you think about all the pain and hardship caused by this, it is truly sad. When you consider that families are the backbone of our society, the high divorce rate is frightening to even think about. But when you realize that over 50% of all Christian marriages also end in divorce, things have moved beyond tragedy—we are discussing the unthinkable.

In today’s Gospel lesson, Jesus makes it very clear—God hates divorce. And why wouldn’t He? St. John writes, God is love (1 John 4:16). In 1st Corinthians chapter 13, Paul describes the love of God this way: Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. But what does divorce result in? Feelings of worthlessness, hatred, mistrust, fear, and loneliness. And what does divorce teach children about love? It teaches them that love is not always patient or forgiving; it teaches them that love can wither and die. Divorce paints a very different picture of love than the one God shares with us in His holy Word.

But the problem with divorce goes even deeper than the pain of love betrayed. Consider what Paul says about marriage in Ephesians chapter 5: Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church…husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church--for we are members of his body. "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh." This is a profound mystery--but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

Paul tells us that marriage is an earthly reflection of the relationship Jesus has with us. Christ is the bridegroom and the Church is His bride. Jesus used this imagery many times in His ministry; one example is found in the Gospel of Mark chapter two: Some people came and asked Jesus, "How is it that John's disciples and the disciples of the Pharisees are fasting, but yours are not?" Jesus answered, "How can the guests of the bridegroom fast while he is with them? They cannot, so long as they have him with them. But the time will come when the bridegroom will be taken from them, and on that day they will fast. Christ the bridegroom was taken from us when He died on the cross under the burden of our sins; after He rose from the dead He ascended back into heaven, where He offers forgiveness to those who trust in Him. We are waiting for the day that the bridegroom returns for us, a day pictured in Revelation chapter 19: Then I heard what sounded like a great multitude…shouting: "Hallelujah! For our Lord God Almighty reigns. Let us rejoice and be glad and give him glory! For the wedding of the Lamb has come, and his bride has made herself ready. Fine linen, bright and clean, was given her to wear." (Fine linen stands for the righteous acts of the saints.) Who is the Lamb of God, who took away the sin of the world? The Lamb is Jesus the bridegroom. And who is the bride, dressed in white? The bride represents the saints, who have washed their robes and made them white in the blood of the Lamb. You, me, every believer throughout time—we are the bride of Christ!

What does this have to do with God’s attitude towards divorce? Paul writes in Colossians chapter 1: Once you were alienated from God and were enemies in your minds because of your evil behavior. But now he has reconciled you by Christ's physical body through death to present you holy in his sight, without blemish and free from accusation. God made us to be His. But because we are sinners, we walked away from God; in essence, we divorced ourselves from Him. But God did not accept our foolish decision as final. Through Jesus’ suffering and death, the Lord reconciled us to Himself—He took radical measures to repair the relationship we had destroyed. Christ has ended our divorce from God so that He can be our eternal bridegroom.

In Malachi chapter 2 God says, I hate divorce. The reason should be obvious. Through marriage, God teaches us about love and forgiveness and reconciliation. Divorce teaches us about hate and grudge bearing and stubborn pride. When a person files for divorce, he or she is saying: "the relationship is hopeless; reconciliation is impossible." No Christian should ever make such a statement! Jesus said, What is impossible with men is possible with God (Luke 18:27). Forgiveness and reconciliation are the very essence of Christianity!

Divorce is a terrible thing—but imagine the consequences should God ever give up on His relationship with us! Without God, there is no love. Without Christ, there is no reprieve from hell. Without the Holy Spirit, our hearts can never be filled with anything except rage, fear, sadness, and loneliness. To be divorced from God is to be the devil’s plaything, body and soul. There is nothing in all the universe so precious as God’s offer of reconciliation through His Son.

But what if your marriage is not going well? Doesn’t God want us to be happy? I would like to remind you that God is not responsible for the problems in your marriage. Whatever is going wrong in your relationship is the result of sin—your sin and the sin of your partner. And it should be obvious that you cannot fix one sin by committing another. Two wrongs don’t make a right. There is only one way to correct the problem of sin. Jesus demonstrated it on the cross—forgiveness, full and free.

Sin is the trigger for every divorce. Since God hates sin and the divorce it can lead to, it seems surprising that Moses established guidelines for dissolving marriages. But God knows that we are flawed with sin. We all make mistakes, some of horrific magnitude. Sometimes a Christian marries the wrong person, someone who has no faith in Jesus and is firmly under sin’s control. Sometimes another person comes along who is so charming and attractive that a Christian falls into an extramarital affair. Sometimes your pride stops you from saying "I’m sorry" to the person you married; sometimes a grievous hurt holds you back from saying, "I forgive you."

When is divorce tolerable to God? The Bible is quite specific. One case has to do with Christians being married to unbelievers. Paul has this to say in 1st Corinthians chapter 7: If anyone has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy. But if the unbeliever leaves, let him do so. A believing man or woman is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace. How do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or, how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife? If an unbeliever wants out of the marriage, the Christian is free to let that person go, with no harm done.

The other situation where God tolerates divorce is when you are the victim of a broken relationship. In Matthew chapter 19 Jesus tells us, whoever divorces his wife and marries someone else commits adultery—unless his wife has been unfaithful. If your spouse abandons you, you may choose to file for divorce. A spouse who has an affair has abandoned one person for another; if you’ve been cheated on, you can divorce without sinning. If your spouse walks out on you and disappears to who knows where, you have been abandoned and can end the marriage without guilt. And if the other person files divorce papers on you, you are being abandoned—you don’t have to contest the legal action.

But there are other reasons for divorce that God has not said He will accept. Probably the most common reason for divorce has to do with emotional satisfaction. Your husband isn’t as attentive or polite as he used to be. Your wife isn’t as pretty or full of energy as she was while you were dating. Your marriage has become dull and routine. The love you used to feel just isn’t there anymore.

But nowhere in the Bible does God permit divorce for these types of reasons. Love is not just about roses and wine and kisses by the fireplace; love is about commitment to another person, even on those days where commitment is more of a chore than a joy. Can you imagine a mother putting her baby up for adoption because she doesn’t like dealing with stinky diapers? Parental love for children includes a commitment to care for them, even when they’re crabby or demand attention in the middle of the night because they’re sick; marital love is no different. God continues to love us even when we are not very lovable. John urges us to show love in the same way: Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth (1 John 3:18).

But what about abuse? Well, the Bible does not speak of abuse as a reason for divorce. However, nowhere does God insist that you continue living with an abusive person—separation is not the same as divorce. Separation is a time-out; divorce is ending a relationship permanently. If your abusive partner is a Christian, then the Spirit of God is struggling to control the sin in his heart. So long as an abusive person trusts in Jesus as his Savior, there is hope that the Spirit will bring about a change in his behavior. And God is patient in working with us—some changes can take a long time. If you trust in the power of the Spirit to make things better, then separation should not lead to divorce—not unless the offender strays from the faith. Remember, through divorce you communicate that there is no hope—but with God, all things are possible (Matthew 19:26).

Do Christians get divorced for wrong reasons and thus commit sin? Of course. Can the sin of wrongful divorce be forgiven? Of course. Jesus died to free you from the guilt of every mistake you’ve made; John writes: the blood of Jesus…purifies us from all sin (1 John 1:7). But if you are truly sorry for getting an ungodly divorce, should you try to reconcile? Absolutely—unless you or your Christian ex are already remarried, which would make reconciliation impossible.

We cannot go back and fix the hurt caused by divorce, anymore than we can make right any other sin we have committed. Thank God that Jesus doesn’t make such a demand of us! His forgiveness is total and completely free. His wonderful forgiveness, and the committed love that it springs from, should be our guide when a marriage is in trouble. For we who are reconciled by God’s grace, divorce should rarely be an option; there are few problems that cannot be corrected when we admit that we’ve done wrong and we offer forgiveness to those who seek it. I know that forgiveness is hard—it cost Jesus His very life. But with the Spirit’s help, we can use God’s power to do what seems impossible. Always remember Paul’s advice in Ephesians chapter 4: Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.