In defense of marriage (part 1)

The LORD God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him."

With these words preserved in Genesis chapter 2, God created marriage. Marriage is the cornerstone of human life, the building block for every civilization. And yet this most basic of human relationships is under attack as never before in history. A group of feminists in Europe have even called for marriage to be made illegal. This week and next, I am going to take a look at some of the ways marriage is being undermined, and what God’s will is for marriage.

It may sound incredible to you, but one of the major problems for marriages today is the emphasis on romantic love. The songs on our radios speak of wonderful, romantic, soul fulfilling love. Store displays are filled with magazines devoted to the subject of new love in tender bloom, and many give assurance that their readers can have a perfect wedding.

Americans are being peddled the idea that love is all about holding hands on a Ferris Wheel, intimate candlelight dinners, and walks along the beach under the light of a full moon. We do not hear songs about love sustaining a couple through months of strenuous chemotherapy. Rarely do we see magazine cover stories about love flourishing in the face of bankruptcy. And how often do talk shows feature elderly couples whose life-long devotion to each other has never wavered?

Marriage is about more than thrilling, romantic love. Marriage is about promising to be there for another person, regardless of the circumstances. Marriage is about sharing good news as well as bad; vacations filled with fun, as well as long days seated by a hospital bed; the thrill of shopping for a new house, as well as the challenge of an empty bank account; the pleasure of sparkling conversation, as well as those times when depression has made your partner surly or unwilling to communicate.

Many couples break up when the first bloom of romance fades; they have been convinced that marriage is not worth participating in when the romance has fled. But continuing romance is not essential for a successful marriage. Romance is like nectar—just as nectar attracts a bee to a flower so that pollination can take place, so romance attracts men and women to each other to consider the possibility of marriage. Romance is an introduction, a way in which souls shake hands and start to get to know each other. But marriage is not built on a handshake and some small talk; marriage is built on a commitment to be a life-long friend, a companion and helper and cheerleader. Marriages only thrive when built on the kind of committed love that the Bible speaks of in 1st John chapter 3: This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our fellow Christians. This is the kind of love that anchors relationships; this is the kind of love needed for a marriage to last.

Another of the challenges facing marriages today is the challenge posed by sex. Sexual desire is one of the most powerful drives within human nature. The desire for sex has led many people into making hasty, poorly-thought out decisions. Homer’s poem The Iliad reflects this sad truth as it spins a tragic tale of one couple’s uncontrollable lust, which results in 10 years of bitter war between Greece and Troy!

We live in a world where the desire for sexual satisfaction has gotten out of control. Advertisers use sexual imagery to sell everything from aftershave to cars. Sites that offer pornographic images and intimate chatting are the most profitable businesses on the Internet. Prostitution is a legally recognized profession in much of Nevada and in many countries around the world, including Canada. Sex is big business.

Because sexual satisfaction is a significant concern for many people, marriages often suffer. Sexual contact between husband and wife was intended by God as a way to deepen the intimacy between them; but as things stand today, many spouses feel as if their marriage is substandard if they don’t have a magnificent sexual relationship. Regrettably, some are even willing to leave their mate when the sexual spark loses its luster. They don’t realize that we all grow old, we all get gray, we all lose some muscle tone.

Researchers have found that during lovemaking, the human body secretes a chemical that makes partners feel emotionally bonded to each other. Even science shows us that God’s intention for sex is to bind two people together. In Matthew chapter 19, Jesus describes marriage this way: a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. When a man and a woman share physical intimacy, they become joined as ‘one flesh’; Jesus says: they are no longer two, but one.

Sex is misused when it causes separation instead of lasting unity. Sex is not about selfishly making sure that your needs are satisfied. Like every act of love, sex is about finding satisfaction by giving joy to the person you love. Marriages cannot survive when your first priority is making yourself feel good.

A third challenge to the stability of marriages is the search for a ‘soul mate.’ Have you found your soul mate? Do you believe that somewhere in this world, there is a soul that will fit together perfectly with yours? Do you believe that souls come in matching sets, each complementing the other’s strengths and compensating for the other’s weaknesses?

If you do believe in soul mates, I apologize for having to burst your bubble, but Jesus’ words in Matthew chapter 22 contradict the whole notion of souls being paired together forever. While speaking about the new unending life that we can look forward to following Judgement Day, our Lord says: At the resurrection people will neither marry nor be given in marriage; they will be like the angels in heaven. Jesus is clear. Marriage is for this life only—the unique bond of matrimony ends with the grave.

The notion of soul mates is actually destructive for marriages. Think about it. No one is perfect; the Bible reminds us that we all are sinners. Since we are all sinners, every marriage will go through times when the sins of one spouse make the other person miserable. The Christian should not be surprised when this happens; instead, he or she knows that Jesus equips us to offer forgiveness and continued love; Peter writes, love covers over a multitude of sins (1 Peter 4:8).

But what of the person who hopes for a soul mate? During a period of disillusionment, she might conclude that the man she married isn’t really her soul mate—she made a mistake and married the wrong person. Since her soul mate is still out there somewhere, the solution is obvious—she needs to free herself from this marriage and resume her search. Do you see how the belief in soul mates can break up marriages?

And yet, in a sense each of us does have a soul mate—His name is Jesus. A classic old hymn begins with the words, "Jesus, Lover of my soul." Jesus is the only one who is a perfect match for us. Only He can make us shine at our full potential; only He can compensate for our inadequacies. Only He can love us perfectly and completely. Jesus is the lover of your soul—He proved it by going to the cross for you, so that your sins could be forgiven and you could live with Him eternally. Only Jesus deserves the title ‘soul mate.’

Holy matrimony is a creation of God. Marriage had its beginning on the sixth day of creation in the Garden of Eden, in a world where everything was still perfect. It makes sense then, that if we want our marriages to be as close to perfection as possible, we must align our marital relationships with the goals God has for marriage.

God states His first goal for marriage in Genesis chapter two: It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him. The primary reason for marriage is to provide the blessing of close companionship between a man and a woman. God intends that husbands and wives love each other; that love is demonstrated by mutual life-long commitment.

God’s second goal for marriage is addressed to Adam and Eve as soon as they have been introduced to each other: God blessed them and said to them, "Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it" (Genesis 1:22). God instituted the marriage of man and woman as the place in which children are to be conceived and raised.

The third goal of marriage does not come up until after sin has corrupted humanity. Even in ancient times, people were obsessed with sex, and treated it as something that could somehow be separated from God's design for marriage; so in 1st Corinthians chapter 7 Paul shares the following words: since there is so much immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman her own husband…if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion. God’s third purpose for marriage is to provide the only appropriate place to express sexual desire. Think about it—if no one engaged in sex except with the one person whom they married, could AIDS have become the epidemic that it is today?

Marriage—a commitment to be helper and friend to one person for life, the nursery for children, and the place reserved for the intimacy of lovers—this is God’s design. To depart from this plan, to try and re-write the rules of family, is to come up with something that can only be a pale shadow of God’s original, perfect design. If you want a marriage that is aimed for the very best, aim at the goals that God first established in paradise.