Complaining

In everything you do, stay away from complaining and arguing (Philippians 2:14).

Some years ago, researchers studied how frequently Americans complain. They listened to people having conversations with each other and evaluated each sentence: was it a question, a statement of fact, or a complaint? The results of this study surprised me. For the average American, 75% of what comes out of his or her mouth is a complaint. The amount of negative comments rises to 90% for those people whom we see as grumpy. But astonishingly, even those with the most pleasant of personalities were found to spend fully half of their time complaining!

Complaining is so very easy to do. The weather can provoke any number of complaints: "The sun is awfully hot today." "That darned wind messed up my hair." "We could sure use some rain." Drivers have a whole litany of sour remarks: "Where did that idiot learn to drive?" "It’s going to take forever to get through this construction." "Gas prices went up again?" The workplace gives us endless opportunities to complain: "I can’t believe how much the government takes out of my paycheck!" "No matter how hard I work, I never seem to get caught up." "The boss is just so unfair." And our homes are no haven from negativity: "If I don’t do it, it won’t get done." "All these channels, and nothing on." "Why do we always have the same things for dinner?"

We complain to show our dissatisfaction with the way things are. But why do we complain so much? Some people believe that complaining is healthy—a way to blow off steam. But when 75% of what you hear from others is pessimistic, it is going to be exceedingly difficult for you to maintain a positive outlook. Master propagandist Joseph Goebbels once observed, "If you tell a lie big enough and keep repeating it, people will eventually come to believe it." If you are constantly being told that something is unsatisfactory, eventually you will come to see things pessimistically and join in the chorus of complainers. Complaining does not make you feel better by blowing off steam; rather, it only pulls others down to join you in feeling bitter. It was a wise man who gave the advice, "if you don’t have anything good to say, then say nothing."

Through the apostle Paul, God offers an alternative to complaining: fix your thoughts on what is true and honorable and right. Think about things that are pure and lovely and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise (Philippians 4:8). Brooding on your problems does not solve them or make you feel better about them; it just wastes time and distracts you from the good things in life. If you truly want to feel better, our Lord invites you to look to Him and His teachings to be uplifted.

It is said that ‘misery loves company’. And so countless numbers of unhappy employees use break time to pour out their frustrations to each other. They find solace from being reassured that they are not alone in their pain, that other people are just as miserable as they are.

But what kind of comfort can you really gain from finding out that another person’s marriage is also on the rocks? How does it help you to know that other people are also strangers to their children, because they have to work three jobs to keep their family fed? Does it really make you feel good about your situation, to hear that your friends are just as unhappy as you are?

Although you can get a feeling of camaraderie from trading tales of woe with others, such exchanges don’t provide you with what you really need—a ray of hope. It is much more helpful to spend time with a person who has successfully dealt with problems similar to your own, because they can give you hope that, like them, you too can experience better days in the future. Perhaps they can even pass on some advice from their experiences to help you through your present days of darkness and struggle.

But no matter who you talk to, the value of their advice will be limited. What they went through can never parallel your own situation exactly; solutions that worked for them may offer little or no help to you. There is only one person who knows exactly what you’re going through. There is only one person who can offer advice that is truly relevant to your situation. That one person is Jesus Christ, the Son of God. He wove your DNA strands together in your mother’s womb; He created your immortal soul and attached it to your embryo at the moment you were conceived. He has witnessed everything that’s happened in your life, listened to every thought that’s crossed your mind. He knows you, knows what you’ve suffered, knows what you need. In fact, He knows your needs personally, because He Himself lived and suffered and died. Hebrews chapter 2 tells us, since He Himself has gone through suffering and temptation, He is able to help us when we are being tempted; all we need do is turn our problem-filled lives over to Him. He is always ready to guide us; copies of His Bible are everywhere, the Good Book wherein He tells us of many challenges that others have faced and how God saw them through. It is in the Bible that the Lord shares His wisdom with us, gives us the advice we need when faced with life’s tough puzzles.

"You can’t understand what I’m going through!" A lot of people feel this way. They feel isolated, alone with their problems. They don’t believe that anyone else can possibly understand how they feel, what their life is like at this moment.

"You can’t understand what I’m going through!" With these words, the suffering person pushes away those who would offer help. They feel that any advice from someone clueless to their pain would only be a waste of time. In fact, they fear that having to explain their pain will only make the hurt feel worse—better, they think, to just be left alone.

But you know what? Everyone knows what it feels like to have their trust betrayed. Everyone has been lied to. Everyone has been made to cower in fear by cruel words or the threat of violence. Everyone has had something stolen from them. Everyone has been insulted or treated with disrespect.

God gave the Ten Commandments to regulate our behavior, because it is our nature to act without regard for the pain that our choices might inflict upon others; and it is because of our unwillingness to obey the Commandments that every one of us knows what it’s like to be betrayed, lied to, threatened with harm, stolen from, and disrespected. Sin is a problem common to all people, as is the pain that comes from being hurt by another person’s sinful behavior.

A woman whose husband has cheated on her might say to me "You can’t understand what I’m going through!" Now it’s true that I am a man, and that my wife has never cheated on me; nevertheless, I still know from experience what it feels like to be betrayed by someone whom I trusted implicitly. I can still sympathize with that woman’s feelings of betrayal and her reluctance to ever trust anyone again. A man home from war might say to me "You can’t understand what I’m going through!" Now it’s true that I’ve never been shot at; nevertheless, I still know from experience what it feels like to be unexpectedly attacked by someone wanting to do me harm. I can still sympathize with that man’s fear of sudden, unexpected noises, of being defensive around strangers. Sin levels the playing field for all of us. We all commit sins; we are all victims of the sins committed by those around us. This is why we need Jesus to walk with us, hand in hand, every day. Jesus suffered the torment of every sin on the cross to win relief for us. Only He can forgive us for hurting others. Only He can give us true release from the pain of being victimized by sin.

Why are people so negative and pessimistic so much of the time? It’s because, deep down, they are afraid. Negativity comes from fear. Pessimism arises from fear that things will never get better. Discouragement results from fear that you will fail. When the things that we fear make us feel helpless, we often become angry, sometimes even violent; other times, feeling powerless prompts us to flee from what is making us afraid, trying to hide from it somehow. Fear gives rise to all sorts of negative attitudes and behaviors.

Fear can suck all joy out of life. How can you enjoy life when everyone around you is constantly complaining about how unhappy they are? How can you enjoy life when you’re expending most of your mental energy on worrying? If you let pessimism filter your view of life, it will eventually blind you from seeing opportunities, leaving you feeling as if there is no way out, no way to change things. When this happens, the result is despair, the mind-numbing belief that there is no longer any hope.

Fear is a very old problem—as old a problem as sin. All the way back in the Garden of Eden, when the first sins were committed, our ancestors immediately hid themselves. Why? Because they were afraid--afraid of what was going to happen when God found out what they had done. Yet God responded to their fear in an unexpected way. Yes, He was truly angry. Yes, Adam and Eve were punished for disobeying Him; their lives would now be maintained only at the cost of hard, sweaty labor, and would eventually end in the grave. But their Lord did not strike them down for their sins, as they deserved—we are told that Adam lived for 930 years before he died. Instead, the heavenly Father gave them a promise to cling to—the promise of a descendant, a Son of Man sent from heaven to destroy the power of sin and free mankind from the suffering that evil brings. That Son of Man sent from heaven was Jesus, who came to earth to free us from fear by suffering in our place God’s punishment for our sins. Because of Jesus’ sacrifice, we can be forgiven--we need no longer fear God’s displeasure. In fact, God the Father adopts everyone who believes in Jesus and turns away from the love of sinning. When the Lord of all creation promises to care for us as His own dear children, what can we possibly be afraid of? How can anything cause us to worry?

With God’s love filling our hearts, there is no reason to be negative or pessimistic, no reason to ever complain. When life gets you down, don’t pull other people down to wallow in self-pity with you; instead, take your concerns to the Lord in prayer. Heed the words of David, preserved for us in Psalm 62: Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge. And when you speak with others, listen with sympathy to their troubles, but don’t then weigh them down with your own; instead, follow Paul’s instructions in 1st Thessalonians chapter 5: Encourage one another and build each other up.

You are a child of God, redeemed by the blood of Christ. Rejoice in the LORD and be glad (Psalm 32:11)!