Saturday, August 30, 2008

Abuse vs. discipline

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider Him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart. In your struggle against sin, you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood. And you have forgotten that word of encouragement that addresses you as sons: "My son, do not make light of the Lord's discipline, and do not lose heart when He rebukes you, because the Lord disciplines those He loves, and He punishes everyone He accepts as a son."

Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplined by his father? If you are not disciplined (and everyone undergoes discipline), then you are illegitimate children and not true sons. Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of our spirits and live! Our fathers disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in His holiness. No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.

Therefore, strengthen your feeble arms and weak knees. "Make level paths for your feet," so that the lame may not be disabled, but rather healed (Hebrews 12:1-13).

Do you know an abused child? Some professionals estimate that, during the time it takes to read this message, as many as 50 children will be abused. Abuse of children is something that we need to be aware of.

You’ve seen it on the news. A parent who left her tiny child in the car with the windows rolled up on a hot day. A child who was locked in a closet for years. A baby who died from blunt force trauma at the hands of the father. A mother who offered her young child for sexual misuse in exchange for drugs.

How sad that these parents do not see their children as gifts from the Almighty. Psalm 117 says, Sons are a heritage from the LORD, children a reward from Him. When Eve bore her first child she said, "With the help of the LORD I have brought forth a man" (Genesis 4:1). Eve understood that birth is not just a biological process by which humans reproduce; birth is a miracle, the creation of a new human being, a miracle only possible with the help of God the Creator.

But as sad as it is to see children abused and neglected, it is even more frightening to see how Satan has used these crimes to alter our social consciousness and undermine Christian parents everywhere. What do I mean? Consider this. In the 1950s no one thought twice about spanking a child for doing something wrong, but now spanking is seen by many as a form of abuse.

What has happened is this: in every time and place, Satan has tempted people to use force to get their own way. We call this violence. Violence is when pain is used sinfully against another person. It is a common sin—that is why our God gave us the Fifth Commandment: You shall not kill. And Jesus showed that this command applies to more than just outright murder; in Matthew chapter 5 He says, you have heard that it was said to the people long ago, `Do not murder, and anyone who murders will be subject to judgment.' But I tell you that anyone who is angry with his brother will be subject to judgment. Again…anyone, who says, `You fool!' will be in danger of the fire of hell. Jesus forbids us to harm each other by using physical or verbal attacks; it is sinful to abuse another person with our fists or with our words.

But Satan was not satisfied with just tempting us to commit acts of violence. Lately, he has mounted a new attack against society, parents in particular. Satan has caused many people to look at the horrors of abuse and mistakenly conclude that a child can and should be disciplined without pain. In the last 50 years, there has been a growing movement in our country to identify spanking and scolding as abusive behavior. Already in 1979 when I was student teaching, the principal told me, "if you touch a child, I can’t defend you." Teachers are not allowed to touch children for fear of being sued for physical or sexual abuse, and they must be very careful not to raise their voice lest they be accused of verbal abuse. Years ago, a parent saw her child playing in the street; she rushed out, picked the child up, gave it a swat on the bottom, and took it in inside with her; a neighbor called Child Protective Services on the parent, who was only trying to impress upon her child how deadly serious playing in the street can be.

Satan has sold America the lie that children should not experience pain when they are disciplined. You can see the result: all across the country classrooms are in chaos, as uncontrolled student behavior forces teachers to resign or retire early. Parents are losing custody of their children in record numbers. Employers are getting young people entering the work force who have no concept of hard work or self-discipline. But every American child "knows their rights."

The problem is that most people do not understand the difference between abuse and discipline. For the Christian, this is not hard—abuse arises from sin, discipline is motivated by godly love. It is that simple. Abuse arises from sin, discipline is motivated by godly love. Let’s consider the difference.

I said before that violence happens when sin urges us to use force to get our own way. When you want to have your way at all costs, there is a temptation to become a bully. Perhaps you are tempted to beat someone up so that they will do what you want, or perhaps you would prefer to cause fear by making threats—threats to hurt someone, or threats to withhold your love or friendship from them unless they do what you want. Or perhaps you are tempted to bring another person under your control by belittling them—telling them how stupid or ugly or worthless they are. This kind of behavior is sinful; it is abusive.

But godly discipline is motivated by love and concern for another person’s well being. Godly discipline sees a child who talks back to people in authority, and recognizes that this behavior violates the Fourth Commandment. When this happens, the disciplinarian does what is needed to make the child realize that the behavior is sinful, and tries to train the child not to do it again. This might include a calm discussion or loss of privileges with an older child, but for a younger child, scolding or spanking may be the clearest form of communication. It depends on what makes the most lasting impression upon the child. Regardless of the technique used, the purpose is not for the parent to vent his or her frustration, the purpose is to steer the child away from habitual sinning.

Some parents struggle with the idea of causing pain to their children, whether it be physical or verbal. Let me assure you—pain is the inevitable result of sin. The wages of sin is death (Romans 6:23); everyone sins, everyone suffers as a consequence of sinning. If we enter death as unrepentant sinners, we have an eternity of suffering to look forward to as a result.

This is why discipline is so important. We discipline our children to impress upon them the seriousness of sin, because we don’t want our loved ones to suffer an eternity of misery in hell. And we discipline our children because God tells us to. Wise Solomon wrote, Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline will drive it far from him...Do not withhold discipline from a child; if you punish him with the rod, he will not die. Punish him with the rod and save his soul from death (Proverbs 22 & 23).

The writer to the Hebrews says, the Lord disciplines those He loves, and He punishes everyone He accepts as a son. The Old Testament is filled with examples of God’s discipline motivated by love. The Israelites did not trust God to help them fight successfully for a home in Canaan; God disciplined them by making them live in the wilderness for 40 years, yet during that time He never let them starve, He never let their sandals wear out from the constant walking, and when the people were truly humble and obedient to Him, He then led them into the Promised Land. Many years later, the people of Judah stopped worshipping God and turned to the veneration of false gods; the Lord disciplined them by allowing the Babylonians to take them captive to Iraq for 70 years, yet He protected His people from harsh persecution by making Esther a queen, and when the people were truly humble and obedient to Him once more, God allowed them to return and rebuild their destroyed homeland.

But if history teaches us anything, it is that no amount of discipline can ever stop us from sinning. The urge to sin is too deeply ingrained in each of us; in fact, the Bible tells us that we cannot escape the pitfalls of sin while we live. Romans chapter 6 says, anyone who has died has been freed from sin. This is why we need Jesus. Jesus said, if you do not believe that I am the one I claim to be, you will indeed die in your sins (John 8:24). Jesus is the Son of God who became a mortal so that He could suffer God’s punishment of our sins. Jesus was obedient where we are not; Paul writes being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself and became obedient to death--even death on a cross! (Philippians 2:8) And even though He was obedient, Jesus still suffered. Hebrews chapter five tells us, even though Jesus was God's Son, He learned obedience from the things He suffered. In this way, God qualified Him as a perfect High Priest, and He became the source of eternal salvation for all those who obey Him. Jesus, the Son of God, suffered during the course of carrying out His Father’s will, the saving of our souls from slavery to sin. If the Son of God had to suffer, holy and perfect as He is, then how can we expect to steer our children towards self-improvement without experiencing pain along the way?

The purpose of discipline is not to give us a vent for our frustrations—that is abuse. The purpose of discipline is not to try and make our children perfect—that is impossible, because only Jesus can free us from sin. The purpose of discipline is to train our children to recognize sin for what it is—a poison that can kill the soul eternally. The purpose of discipline is to instill in our children the habit of turning to Jesus in any and every need—for help in wrestling with temptation, for forgiveness when sin overtakes, for hope and courage in the face of loss and despair. Solomon wrote, Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it (Proverbs 22:6). The way that we want our children to go is towards our Lord Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. We want our children to go towards Him, because St. John assures us: God has given us eternal life, and this life is in His Son (1 John 5:11). So do not fear to discipline your children, even if it causes them pain; No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it. So long as God’s love guides your actions, your children will be blessed as a result.

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