Sex and relationships

When Jesus had finished saying these things, he left Galilee and went into the region of Judea to the other side of the Jordan.  Large crowds followed him, and he healed them there.

Some Pharisees came to him to test him. They asked, "Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any and every reason?"

"Haven't you read," he replied, "that at the beginning the Creator `made them male and female,' and said, `For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh'?  So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate."

"Why then," they asked, "did Moses command that a man give his wife a certificate of divorce and send her away?"

Jesus replied, "Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning.  I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery" (Matthew 19:1-9).

This week polygamy has been mentioned in the news.  Polygamy is the practice of one man having several wives, all at the same time. 

In the United States, polygamy is practiced in secret, because having multiple wives is against the law.  Some people have been polygamists without knowing it—they are victims of a man who gets married in several different states, and keeps each marriage secret from his other wives.  But others go into multiple marriages with their eyes wide open.  Not very long ago there was even a cable TV series that dramatized such a family arrangement.

Most people who practice polygamy do so on religious grounds—they believe that God approves this style of marriage.  They will point to examples from the Old Testament, especially men like King David and King Solomon.  But how does God really feel about such marriages?

When God created Adam, He said it is not good for the man to be alone (Genesis 2:18).  But God did not create Ellen and Edie and Eloise, He only created Eve.  By God’s original plan, one woman was more than enough to complete a marriage with a man.  Consider also the life of Abraham.  When Sarah could not get pregnant, she urged her husband to have a child by their servant Hagar.  Yet this situation resulted in so much domestic strife that Abraham eventually had to send Hagar and her son away, and their descendants became enemies of the Israelites.  One man with two bed partners did not work out well at all. 

God sometimes permits things to go on that He does not approve of.  For example, He gave Moses rules by which the Israelites could divorce each other, even though God hates divorce.  When asked about this, Jesus said Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning.  God did bless David and Solomon during their lives, but it was in spite of their polygamous ways.  A careful reading of Scripture shows that neither man enjoyed a peaceful, God-pleasing home life.  God’s plan for marriage has always been one man, one woman.  Anything else opposes God’s design for the family.

Which brings us to the topic of homosexuality.  Same-sex love has been around for a very long time.  It is mentioned in God’s laws given through Moses some thirty-five hundred years ago.  In ancient Greece, men were thought of as superior to women, so naturally the love between men was regarded as superior to the lesser kind of desire a man might feel for a woman.  Over the course of centuries, some civilizations have embraced gay and lesbian sexuality as normal and natural.

These past few decades, there has been a push in America to embrace homosexuality as just another way for two people to express love.  There are efforts to give legal status to gay and lesbian unions, according them the same benefits traditionally attached to marriage.  Same-sex couples want tax breaks and the right to adopt children.  And in some places there is already a need for laws to help sort out the mess when such couples dissolve their domestic partnerships. 

God does not view gay and lesbian unions as marriage.  Through the Bible, He repeatedly tells us to avoid this kind of behavior.  For example, in the Old Testament God said If a man lies with a man as one lies with a woman, both of them have done something detestable (Leviticus 20:13).  In the New Testament, Paul has this to say: They exchanged the truth of God for a lie…Because of this, God let shameful lusts take hold of them. Even their women exchanged natural relations for unnatural ones.  In the same way the men also abandoned natural relations with women and were inflamed with lust for one another. Men committed indecent acts with other men, and received in themselves the due penalty for their perversion (Romans 1:26-27).

God has two purposes for sex.  One of these purposes is stated in Genesis 1:22 when God told Adam and Eve, Be fruitful and increase in number.  Same-sex couples cannot honor God’s design for marriage by conceiving children. 

The other purpose for sex is also stated in Genesis, and reinforced later by Jesus: a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.  God designed sex to be a glue that unites a man and a woman as one in marriage.  Yet this purpose is routinely ignored and abused by the majority of people living today.

About half of all marriages end in divorce.  Divorce is painful—it tears apart two lives that were being woven together into one.  It causes economic hardship and tears down self-esteem.  It undermines your trust that other people will keep their promises.  Perhaps worst of all, divorce inflicts terrible trauma on the children of the household. 

In an effort to avoid the problems caused by divorce, many people live together instead of getting married.  They look at co-habitation as a test drive for marriage, to see if the relationship has legs for the long haul.  Of course, avoiding divorce isn’t the only reason people move in together.  Some just want a sexual relationship with no strings attached—a ‘friend with benefits.’ 

God designed the sexual act to help bind a man and woman together as partners for a lifetime.  Sexual activity achieves that purpose whether you intend it to or not.  Why do you think so many people blurt out the words “I love you” when in the throes of passion?  When sexually active couples break up, the pain of separation is just as deep as if they were going through a divorce.  Not only that, but there are legal ramifications as well—many who have lived together end up in court to settle disputes over money, property, and child custody.

God intended sex to be a glue that unites a man and a woman for life.  Jesus says, they will become one flesh.  That being the case, we break God’s rules when we share the gift of sex with more than one person.  Sex is a wonderful, precious thing—it gives us joy, it strengthens our commitment to another person, and God uses it to bestow the miracle of new life.  We cheapen this wonderful gift when we tell crude sexual jokes, gaze at pornography, or use sex just to make ourselves feel good.  We weaken its power to unite people in love when we have casual sex, cheat on a spouse, or have multiple marriage partners.  It’s no wonder that God permits sexually transmitted diseases to exist—they discourage us from treating God’s gift of sex casually.

Sex is one of the best gifts that God gives to married couples.  Treat it with respect, for the sake of the God who gave it.  Use it as God intended, because we put our marriages through all sorts of stress and strain; they need all the strength that we can give them.

“You always hurt the one you love.”  It sounds nonsensical, yet it’s very often true.  The people we hurt the most deeply tend to be those we feel the closest to.

Every human being is, by nature, selfish.  We want our needs to be met, we want things to be done our way.  In order to get along with other people, we learn the art of compromise.  We also learn to keep secrets, especially when in competition with others. 

But when we get close to someone, we open up emotionally.  We start sharing our wants and needs, our hopes and dreams.  As the barriers come down, we relax—and that is when trouble starts.  The people we are intimate with are allowed to see what we try to hide from everyone else, things about us that are better off kept hidden.

Selfishness doesn’t like compromise.  Selfishness demands whatever action is necessary to get what it wants.  If you feel close enough to another person to let it all hang out, things can get ugly.  If your husband won’t give in to your demands, withhold sex from him.  If your wife won’t do what you want, hit her.  If your boyfriend doesn’t agree with you, make fun of his looks, brains, or toughness.  If your girlfriend doesn’t make enough time for you, cheat on her.  Selfishness wants to take advantage of any relationship where the barriers are down and the other person has become vulnerable to you.

Relationships are endangered when we treat each other disrespectfully.  You need three skills to keep a partnership strong.  First, you need to compromise; Jesus said, love your neighbor as yourself (Matthew 22:39).  No one can get their own way all the time, and no one wants to feel like a doormat—you have to negotiate so that both partners feel respected.  Second, you need to keep private any thoughts and desires that will only hurt the other person if revealed.  Most of all, you need to master the art of forgiveness.  Sooner or later, every one of us hurts a loved one by letting them down, saying something mean, or being stubborn at the wrong time.  When hurts are inflicted, go to Jesus in prayer.  If you caused the hurt, ask the Lord to forgive you and to help you take responsibility for your mistake.  If you are the victim, ask Jesus to forgive your partner and help you let go of the hurt.  Love cannot survive without respect, self-control, and forgiveness.

We are all sinners; thankfully, Jesus loves every one of us and died for all our sins.  He died to forgive you and your spouse; He died to forgive your parents and grandparents, your brothers and sisters, your children and your friends.  He died forgive polygamists, gays and lesbians, and people who enjoy sex but avoid marriage.  He died for those who have divorced and for those who mistreat the people that they love.   Jesus loves us all, and His dying blood makes right all that we make wrong.  But Christ did not save us so that we can continue living in sin as if nothing has changed; our Lord has called you to abandon love for sin and seek the ways of righteousness.  Jesus does not want anyone living as polygamists or participating in homosexual behavior.  He does not want us giving up on marriage or sharing its intimate pleasures with others.  He does not want us to mistreat anyone, especially those most precious to us.  If we want to please Jesus, these kinds of behavior have to stop.  Pray for His help, that you might follow where He leads.