Loving relationships

Bear with each other, and forgive whatever grievances you may have (Colossians 3:13).

"You always hurt the one you love." It sounds nonsensical, yet it’s very often true. The people we hurt the most deeply tend to be those we feel the closest to.

Every human being is, by nature, selfish. We want our needs to be met, we want things to be done our way. In order to get along with other people, we have to learn the art of compromise. We also learn to keep secrets, especially when in competition with others.

But when we get close to someone, we open up emotionally. We start sharing our wants and needs, our hopes and dreams. As the barriers come down, we relax—and that is when trouble starts. The people we are intimate with are allowed to see what we try to hide from everyone else, things about us that are better off kept hidden.

Selfishness doesn’t like compromise. Selfishness demands whatever action is necessary to get what it wants. If you feel close enough to another person to let it all hang out, things can get ugly. If your husband won’t give in to your demands, withhold sex from him. If your wife won’t do what you want, hit her. If your boyfriend doesn’t agree with you, make fun of his looks, brains, or toughness. If your girlfriend doesn’t make enough time for you, cheat on her. Selfishness wants to take advantage of any relationship where the barriers are down and the other person has become vulnerable to you.

Relationships are endangered when we treat each other disrespectfully. You need three skills to keep a partnership strong. First, you need to compromise; Jesus said, love your neighbor as yourself (Matthew 19:19). No one can get their own way all the time, and no one wants to feel like a doormat—you have to negotiate so that both partners feel respected. Second, you need to keep private any thoughts and desires that will only hurt the other person if revealed. Most of all, you need to master the art of forgiveness. Sooner or later, every one of us hurts a loved one by letting them down, saying something mean, or being stubborn at the wrong time. When hurts are inflicted, go to Jesus in prayer. If you caused the hurt, ask the Lord to forgive you and to help you take responsibility for your mistake. If you are the victim, ask Jesus to forgive your partner and help you let go of the hurt. Love cannot survive without respect, self-control, and forgiveness.